The Endless Cycle

I’ve been humbled this week. I don’t get sick often but when I do it’s usually God reminding me to slow down. Reminding me that I don’t have to be awesome. In my quest for being awesome I’ve lost sight of the only one who is truly awesome.  I’ve sought fame and acknowledgement from everyone other than the one who already considers me his prize possession. And here I find myself again, at this stage of the cycle, wondering why am I here again? Why can’t I just get it right? Why, even when I try my hardest and my best, I’m still a failure? And I cry and I cry (and I don’t cry often). Its then that I’m reminded…if I COULD get it right, why would I need a savior? If my best was good enough, why did Jesus have to die?  My righteousness is filthy rags. I’m nothing but a Pharisee needing to be cut down and told that earning my way to heaven (or fame, or acknowledgement, or glory) is like conceiving myself in my mother’s womb. It’s just not possible. Because even when I think I have it all together I really don’t. I’ve got supermom status, but super wife is left behind. I’ve got super church member but super friend has been MIA. See, I just cant be awesome, everywhere, all the time.  Only Jesus can do that. But I’m like Satan…I want to be God. I want to be worshipped. I want the glory. So I try to do what only God can do and I try to do it without him. And so he graciously lets me fail. And he graciously lets me cry out to him, and he graciously answers and comforts me and tells me again that he’ll pick up the pieces if I’ll let go of them. But I still want a list. I still think that if someone just tells me what to do I can get it right. See, even when I get a glimpse of the truth I retreat back to my old ways because its so foreign. Its so uncomfortable to just rest, to just be still and know and trust that he is God and he is good, and he will take care of it. So instead of running to make the list or running to the phone I’m running to his arms. Trusting that if I draw near to him, he will draw near to me. He will lead me and He will guide me. “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.”