So much to do...so little time...

Next to my bed lay countless books...at least 10 that I want to read. Next to that lay my guitar that I want to play. Out in the dining room sits my child whom I want to teach. In the laundry room lay the laundry I need to fold. In the kitchen lay the dishes I should put in the dishwasher. In the fridge lay the ingredients I need to make dinner soon. In the living room lay the couch I wish I spent more time on. On the buffet lay my work files and laptop waiting for me to do year end.

And where am I? I am in bed. Laying on an ice pack and resisting the temptation to do all those things. Resting and contemplating my situation.

Why is it that when we are motivated something always slows us down. Well I guess that can be attributed to Satan. He is very good at breaking any resolve we may have to do the right things.

Or maybe it's God saying "Liz, Liz, you are troubled by many things but only one thing is needed."

"And P.S. if you wont rest and be still with Me on your own accord I'll help you slow down some other way."

Ok God. I'm listening. What do you want from me? What are the important things in this life. Reveal them to me that I may spend my time more wisely worshipping and honoring you in everything I do.

Not a Morning Person...

God has been wanting me in the morning for years and I have been rejecting Him. He spoke to me almost two weeks ago and told me simply that I needed to obey. I asked him how could I when I'm so tired all the time. He said obedience first, then blessing. He spoke again and gave me a specific time to get up and spend time with Him.

Every time I have tried to get up early (meaning 6 or earlier) since having children I have failed. I keep up with it for a few days and then I have some excuse, I went to bed late, I was up in the night, I'm sick, blah blah.

For me its about being disciplined and putting God and my family first. Not only does God want me up and spending time with him. But DH wants me up and ready for the day before the kids come bounding down at 7. I am a much nicer, happier mama and wife when I have had some time awake and time with the Lord before the activity of the day begins.

God gave me this scripture the week before I finally obeyed:

Psalm 63:6-8

6 On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

8 I cling to you;

your right hand upholds me.

He would help me if I clung to him. I can think of him all night and desire that time with him in the morning.

Also convicting was when my husband pointed out how when a friend or something fun was depending on me to get up early I could do it easily, but when he and God were depending on me I chose to disappoint them. It all boiled down to just plain selfishness. It really didn't matter if I wasn't a morning person. I needed to change and all it took was obedience and God would do the rest.

I set my alarm for 5:30. Of course I spent so much time disobeying and procrastinating that the day I started was the day we lost an hour due to daylight savings here on the east coast of the US. So I really was getting up at 4:30! God does have a sense of humor. I put my phone (alarm) across the room and had to get out of bed to shut it off.

I started reading a proverb a day (corresponding with the day of the month). Its amazing how many talk about how the fool loves sleep and is lazy etc. I do love sleep and I was so convicted. Well its been almost two weeks. I have not slept in once. I have napped once because I did go to bed too late and am coming down with something. God has sustained me and the last few days I have woke up 10-15 mins before my alarm with praise songs in my head. It is such a blessing to know that even as I sleep and dream God is on my mind. My days have been better. My attitude has been positive. My prayer life has improved.

Now I start by writing in my prayer journal, then read my proverb, then maybe write some more or read a bible study book I am doing or continue my very slow read through the bible. Every morning is a bit different but it is a huge blessing. Now I look forward to that special time with my Savior. Its something that I definitely would not give up for anyone, even my previous love, sleep.

Stress

On May 10, 2009 we welcomed J into the world. I went into labor quickly and was rushed into the operating room as J was breech and his foot was coming first. We both made it through the surgery well and within a short time J was contentedly nursing and resting. The first week was a dichotomy, easy caring for the second baby, harder recovering from major surgery. After 2 weeks I was ready to hit the town, having been pent up for so long (it seemed) I really wanted to get back to my "normal" life. By the end of week 3 I was suffering. Not only did the pain come back in my abdomen, but the 3 week growth spurt/fussy time had begun.

On top of all this life and work goes on around me. L has been fairly good but I have found it difficult to keep my cool with him under my sleep deprived circumstances. I question my abilities as a mom everyday. I really just want to take care of my family "properly" but I am now learning its just too much to expect three weeks postpartum.

Not only does family life go on but so does work. We do have extra help but there are certain things like tenant screening and selection that are my job exclusively. Unfortunately we had two openings this month. The first one that I rented I'm fearing I jumped too quickly and will be regretting, the second still isn't rented.

Today I find myself overly stressed. When I was wallowing in my negative attitude, comparing myself to others, something inside said, "stress is a choice". Yes, life is a bit hard right now, but I have so much to be grateful for. It could be so much worse. And honestly, comparing doesn't do my negative attitude any good because I find that I am spoiled compared to most new moms:

I have a husband who can stay home from work pretty much anytime. He is at my beckon call for whatever I need, whether it be sleep, food, errands, or a shower. My in-laws and mother jump at the chance to help me with L, meals, or picking up items at the store. My newborn is healthy and growing. He has enough strength to cry when he's hungry, wet, or just wants to be with me. My two year old has adjusted to his baby brother seamlessly. He loves his parents and just wants our attention, how can I fault him for that. I have a job that enables me to work on my own schedule. I have hired help at work and at home. I have all the materiel things I need and want to make caring for my family easy.

Sometimes I just have to stop and think. This is one of those times. Like David all throughout the Psalms, regardless of his circumstances, he was determined to praise. When he was chased, falsely accused, attacked, he just continued to move closer to God. He was faithful, never doubting God's eternal plan. May I be like David, praising my God through all the trials, never questioning, never wishing things were different, just accepting God knows more than me and He will see me through.

Psalm 71

¹ In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame.

² Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.

³ Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.

⁴ Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

⁵ For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.

⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.

⁷ I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.

⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.

⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.

¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.

¹¹ They say, "God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him."

¹² Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.

¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.

¹⁴ But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.

¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

¹⁷ Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.

¹⁹ Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?

²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

²¹ You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

²² I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.

²³ My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.

²⁴ My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.

Daddy's Gone

Dad passed last night shortly after midnight. My stepsister joked that she knew he was waiting til April fool's day to get one more joke in before he left. He had to go out on a high note...

Here is what I plan on sharing at the service Saturday...its a little repetitive if you have read my last post but I felt I needed to share my experience of God's love and peace with my family:

First, I just want to share a little about my experience processing Dad’s death.

I was so glad we made the trip down on Tuesday to see Dad before his passing. I was able to truly say goodbye, knowing it was the end. I was also able to connect and process some grief with R. I cannot even fathom what she has gone through, not only the past few weeks, but the years of caring for Dad as his health has been failing. She loves him so dearly - it is plain to see. One thing I realized as I began to process Dad’s death was that I am so thankful to have Christ in my life. I truly have a peace that passes understanding. I think to some it may seem odd and almost stoic but I just have full confidence in God's will and accept that this is what is best for my dad. I'm still sad and I cry. While I was alone with Dad I was able to let it out and again the day after he passed. I will continue to do so as grief tends to come in waves for me. But I know that, with me, I have the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles. I have a God who turns my mourning into dancing. He is with me and I am with Him. I have his peace like a river flowing through me and my faith in Him will not be shaken. I praise Him for His love and kindness. I praise Him for all the wonderful memories I have of my Dad.

The six hours between when I left Dad and when he left us, I found myself overcome with an incredible joy and peace that could only be explained as supernatural. I know Dad would be glad to hear that on the night of his passing, I got the best sleep I’d had in weeks, knowing that “everything was going to be okay,” because that is what he always told me. As we have persevered through these last few weeks, I know that God has poured out his compassion and mercy over me. He has kept me strong in faith and protected me from myself. He has put his arms around me and said "it’s okay, I've got you." Although I might have lost my earthly father, I have an amazing heavenly father who is able to do exceedingly more abundantly than I could ever hope for or imagine and for that I can never be thankful enough.

Now about Dad…Dad lived a long and amazing life. He never had it easy. As a child he suffered much loss and endured much pain. Unfortunately, we often repeat what we know. I know that I am blessed to have had Dad in the last 30 years of his life. It was obvious to me that during my lifetime his biggest fear was causing anyone any more pain. It is sad that earlier in his life he missed the opportunity to be the kind of dad he was created to be.

Dad was so smart, amazing with numbers, and had the most fantastic memory especially for movies and trivia. His quick wit and play on words always had us cracking up. And the impersonations were uncanny – my favorite had to be the Count from Seseme Street. Although I may be young to experience the passing of a parent, it is countered by the fact that I have so many good memories. My childhood favorite mac and cheese from the box, learning to ride my bike, staying up too late watch Saturday night live, him giving me his bed and taking the couch, two packs of candy and a slurpee at 7-11 when he picked me up on weekends, McDonald’s pancakes and ice cream sundaes, eating cake at meetings, and Dad bringing R to be my friend. The museums, plays, Chincoteague, Florida trips to visit B and go body surfing. Learning way more than any girl needed to know about baseball, the Oriels in Baltimore and Spring Training in Florida. Winter, Spring, and Summer vacations in Florida – spoiled by the pool, the beach, the sun, and my Daddy. Talking on the phone in college and Dad comforting me with his favorite phrase “everything’s going to be okay”, Father Martin’s Ashley, our time together in Johnstown and Dad holding his newborn grandson L. Visits to Rhinebeck and those wonderful final smiles he gave me in ICU a few weeks ago.

These are just some of my fond memories but I know Dad has touched so many lives from family to friends, from Florida to New York and probably around the globe. Dad did everything he could in the last 30 years to reach out and help someone in need. Just last year I heard friends from Rhinebeck speak of how much his words and support had helped them. Even as he suffered with the loss of his mind and the failing of his body, he was still able to give what he had left to someone else. It may seem Dad now has nothing left to give, but today he gives us his legacy – a legacy of love and generosity. I am proud to call him my father and will cherish how he loved me by working to become a better man each day of his life, doing the best he knew how to do, one day at a time.

Peace that Passes Understanding

We just arrived home from visiting my Dad. It took me so long to decide if I should go and I'm so glad I did. I was able to truly say goodbye, knowing it was the end. I was also able to connect with and process some grief with my Step-Mom. I can not even fathom what she has gone through, not only the past few weeks, but the years of caring for my dad as his health has been failing. She loves him so dearly - it is plain to see.

One thing I took away from the visit today was a huge sense of gratitude. I am so thankful to have Christ in my life. I truly have a peace that passes understanding (Phil 4:7). I think to some of my family members it may seem odd and almost stoic but I just have full confidence in God's will and accept that this is what is best for my father. This is not to say that I'm not sad or don't cry. While I was alone with him I let it out and I know that I will continue to do so as grief tends to come in waves for me. But unlike most of my family I have the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles (2 Cor 1:3-4). I have a God who turns my mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). He is with me and I am with Him (1 John 4:13). I have his peace like a river flowing through me (Isaiah 66:12) and I will not be shaken (Psalm 16:8). I praise Him for His love and kindness. I praise Him for all the wonderful memories I have of my Dad and that I have no regrets.

Although today my dad is truly on his death bed, I am grateful to be getting back to some sense of normalcy within my household. L is feeling much better and I am on the other side of this cold. DH and I have avoided the plague, although friends ended up with what L got, somehow we were protected. As I read through James last night (since the beginning of it has been my theme verse all week), I found so many more amazing reminders of walking in obedience and God's promises when we do. As we have persevered through these last few weeks, this particular verse stuck out most:
James 5:11
As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Although I have experienced a few trials in the past month, I have not the slightest comprehension of the loss suffered by Job. Yet through all his suffering, Job continued to be faithful to God and God blessed him. I know that God has poured out his compassion and mercy over me. He has kept me strong in faith and protected me from myself. He has put his arms around me and said "its okay, I've got you." Although I might be losing my earthly father I have an amazing heavenly father who is able to do exceedingly more abundantly than I could ever hope for or imagine (Eph 3:20) and for that I can never be thankful enough.

Draw Near to God and He wil Draw Near to You

Dad is receiving hospice care in the hospital. All tubes but a catheter and oxygen have been removed. He is receiving morphine for pain and Adavan for anxiety and is very comfortable. He is not responsive though he is conscious. It is a matter of hours to a few days at this point.

L seemed to be having a better morning. He did have some diarrhea but ate a piece of toast and probably drank 8 oz of gingerale since yesterday. DH had gotten the hot tub all set up this week and we have all been getting in it as a fun distraction (don't worry its only 99 degrees). He and L went "swimming" this morning. Later L started screaming and crying uncontrollably and tugging at his ear. We decided to call the doc and took him to the ER to get checked. It looks like he has a little wax build up and probably water trapped in there. The canal was a little swollen but the ear drum looked fine so it is not an inner ear infection at this point. They gave us some drops to dry it up and hopefully keep it from getting infected.

L was so tired he fell asleep at the ER while we were waiting to be discharged. When we got home he asked for toast so he had another slice. We went up to do stories and nap and he was like his old self again. Reading, counting, interacting with the stories. So I am hoping this is a trend and he is really on the mend this time.

I had trouble falling asleep and finally took some Tylenol PM at 12:30. I slept til about 9:30. Still exhausted but sleep alludes me so I'm just resting when I can. Its pretty hard to shut my mind off with out some kind of distraction.

There are so many lessons that God has been teaching us through all this. I cant begin to thank Him for His grace and mercy throughout this whole week. It seems at times that nothing else could go wrong but the reality is we have so much to be grateful for. We are all still here together. Baby boy is healthy and seems to be thriving (from all the jumping jacks he's been doing in there). L is not hooked up to an IV in the hospital and DH doesn't even have a sniffle.

Not to mention how these trials just continue to draw us closer to God. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has drawn near to us. I know that I could not get through any of this without relying on His strength. I would have given up long ago, shut myself up in bed and just cried. I would have been screaming at DH that everything was his fault and I would have caused nothing but aggravation and upset to L who needs me to be calm and loving. God is with us and we are so grateful.

As I considered my present sufferings while lying awake last night, God reminded me of something I said to a friend a exactly one week ago (a day before I was admitted to the hospital) and I plan on taking my own advice:

"Remember that as Children of God we share in the sufferings of Christ and that He endured the ultimate suffering on our behalf on the cross.

Rom 8:17-18
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
2 Cor 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
Phil 3:8-11
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
1 Pet 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Finally remember that sometimes God allows us to suffer, not because of anything we have done, or for a punishment, but because He is doing an amazing work in our lives:

John 9:1-3
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

Its okay to cry, its okay to be sad. But don't let sadness and depression push you away from God, let it push you toward Him. Let him turn your morning into gladness (Jer 31:13)."

Are we mature yet?

My fathers procedure for the stomach feeding tube insertion yesterday did not go well. They were unable to complete the procedure and he was very badly affected by the anesthesia. He now has only IV as a source of nutrients. His heart started beating irregularly today which the nurse told my step mom was a sign that he was nearing the end. If he makes it through the weekend she has pretty much decided to put him in hospice house Monday and remove all the tubes and let him go comfortably. He has been so agitated by the tubes and the anesthesia (due to Alzheimer's), she just really thinks he cant take anymore. The pneumonia is not clearing and now that there is no feeding tube there is no sense in dragging things out. I completely understand and agree with her decision but it doesn't make it any less sad. Most likely, either DH or a friend will drive me down there tomorrow. It all depends what I hear tonight/tomorrow morn and how L is doing.

L has pretty much been the same today - diarrhea and another huge vomit (all over me). The diaper rash is much better though. I spoke to the doctor's office and they said this was going around - not too force food on him but just get him to take little sips of clear fluids and if he can hold that down then maybe some crackers. He held down some flat gingerale and maybe like one saltine. So that is a start. He started to perk up a little this evening. He was asking for cheese to eat but we wouldn't give it to him. We are just sticking with the most easily digested stuff. Most things he eats he spits out, even if he says yummy when he puts them in his mouth (i.e. teddy grahams).

I am getting ready to head to bed now. I wasn't able to sleep earlier because I just kept thinking, but I journaled some stuff about my dad and that helped me start processing the grief.

Pray for sleep to come quickly and easily and that I can sleep through the night. And that L sleeps all night with no more explosions of any sort. Pray for wisdom for us to know what to do tomorrow. Thank you everyone.