Monday, July 25, 2016

My Monkey

Today was a really rough day. REALLY.ROUGH. Praise the Lord my kids were at day camp. God has decided to remind me that I have a thorn in the flesh called anxiety and depression. In this very moment I want to curl up under these covers and stay here forever. There is nothing logical, practical, or sensible about any of my feelings today. I've lost all sense of the Gospel, of love, of grace. I'm completely self-absorbed and self-obsessed. And I CANNOT control my tongue. 

This is just a glimpse of mental illness. Yup I said it. The nasty mean monkey on my back that follows me down every path I tread. He hides in the shadows weeks, months, even years at a time, but sooner or later he rears his ugly head and reminds me I'm not cured. I'm still a mess. And I still need Jesus. 

I'm pretty controlling. I like things to be a certain way. But this is one thing I just cannot control. It is the perfect picture of my flesh, my sin nature, that my spirit wars against. I know what I should do but I don't do it. I can't stop myself from doing the things I don't want to do. I do things that I know will hurt me but I cannot stop myself from doing them.

Am I any better than the drug addict? Am I any better than the young, rash teenager? Am I any better than the broken hearted spouse? Or is it that I'm exactly the same, if not worse. It's just my weakness is hidden and managed by tools like medicine and behavioral therapies. 

I think sometimes God breaks my tools for a little while to remind me of this lifelong weakness. To remind me that I'm not cured. To remind me that my monkey isn't going anywhere until I enter His presence for good. 

The only fix for these broken tools is for me to remember the One who makes them work. For me to seek HIM. To lean into HIM. To feel the hurt, to cry the tears, and to remember HE knows. 

He knows sorrow. He knows sadness. He knows the feeling of having no control. He knows frustration. He knows pain. 

He knows because He loves me. He shed His glory to take this wretched form and become a man. He gave up control of the universe, His omnipresence, His omnipotence, to carry on as a man on this earth. Although He had the ability to call HIS angels down from heaven to war against His enemies, He set aside his ability to control all that and submitted to his Father's will. 

Lord, I submit to your will. I know your love. I know that you have nothing but love stored up for me because all the wrath I deserve you poured out on your son. Because I know this, I can trust that you are doing a work in me to shape me more into the image of your son. And that this pain and this struggle does not go unseen by you. You have not abandoned me to fend for myself against this monkey. You just ask me to draw closer to you so you can put him back on his leash. I can see now the reality of where I would be without you and your leash on my monkey. When we are free we forget what it's like to be captive. This captivity can only be truly understood through first hand experience. Even the experienced forget. Lord, thank you for giving me eyes to see my monkey. Thank you for helping me to know how far drifting away will really take me. Thank you for showing me the bloodbath I leave in my wake when my monkey is not in your care. Lord, guide me. Quiet my heart. Tame my monkey. 

You are my shepherd. I shall not want. You make me lie down in green pastures, you lead me beside still waters. You guide me in paths of righteousness for your name's sake. Even as I walk through this valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in YOUR house forever. 

Amen

Sunday, May 8, 2016

God's Garden

God’s garden This is a devotion I gave at a ladies event at my church: 

Consider with me, if you will, a garden. The best gardens are designed with different types of plants, all serving a purpose within the overall scheme. I’m no gardener. In fact, it’s a miracle that I can keep my ONE houseplant alive (maybe that’s because it’s a cactus). My mother-in-law is the master gardener of our home. She has designed beautiful gardens all around the yard and tended them for years. She put hydrangeas in the back where they got a little shade. She put daffodils in the front where there was always sun. She mixed large bushes in with small flowers and interspersed hardy greenery throughout. She knew the environment and she knew the needs and strengths and weaknesses of each plant and she placed them in the garden accordingly. 

Now I want to talk to you today about another garden, a garden in which you and I are the plants. God, the Master Gardener has chosen each of us according to his UNIQUE and SPECIFIC plan, with our UNIQUE and SPECIFIC strengths and weaknesses. AND He has placed us in UNIQUE and SPECIFIC environments tailored to his overall design of the garden.

We have been learning about Psalm 139 on Sunday mornings. It shows us how we have all been created differently and designed exactly as God planned us before the dawn of creation. 

Even our weaknesses have been uniquely designed by our Lord. We always think of the variety of our strengths and our gifts – particularly within the church. We think of 1 Corinthians 12 - one body, many parts. The hand cannot tell the eye I don’t need you. We all need each other for our varying gifts. But we forget that we also need our weaknesses, that our weaknesses have a part to play in God’s path for our life. We often look at a struggling sister and desire to just fix it for her. We don't recognize that her struggle is the one God intended for her, right here, right now.

The late missionary, Jim Elliot said "Where ever you are, be all there." We all go through different stages and different seasons. We all had an "ugly phase." For most of us, it was middle school :) But no I’m not REALLY talking about middle school. Take the tulip, for example. It's starts off looking like a heart shaped onion - definitely an ugly phase. If tended properly, it blooms beautiful, richly colored petals and strong green leaves, surviving harsh and barren winters, coming back to bloom again year after year. 

Our weaknesses, our ugly phases, are signs of God's work in us: sanctification, the process of making us more like Christ. Our strong wills require pruning and great care. If we let him, he will make us into something beautiful. 

We struggle through our ugly phases: I want to be seen, I want to be heard, I want to be valued, I want to be past this, I want what she has. We forget to be ALL THERE wherever we are, when where we are isn't pretty. And sometimes the support (or lack thereof) from those around us pushes us to wish it all away. 

We want to be women who remind one another that the Master Gardener is working. He is pruning. He is shaping. He is letting winter kill off the bad so spring can bring the good. And just because you're in winter right now and I'm in summer doesn't mean I can't bear with you (or just plain old BEAR you). We are called to bear one another's burdens. We want to be a group of ladies who say, "where ever you are, I'll be all there WITH you and FOR you."

Maybe we aren't in different seasons but we’re in different parts of the garden. I'm in all sun and you’re part shade. Shall I scoff and point and mock your section of the garden, declaring the sunny side best and urge you to move over here? Or should I trust the Master Gardener in his placement of you because that is where He knows you need to be. 

Ps139:13-16 shows God has uniquely designed you and me AND the different paths he has placed us on. “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

God’s purpose is the same for each of us. His purpose is to conform us to the image of his Son. He puts each of us on a path to achieve this purpose that is best designed for the strengths and weaknesses he created within us. This path for me, includes being a business owner, a working homeschool mom, a member of Broadalbin Baptist church, wife to Andy, mom to Luke and Josh, a mom who struggles with her tongue, a wife who struggles to serve her husband, a woman who struggles to balance work and fun.

Now take my friend Ashlee here. His path for Ashlee includes being a public school teacher, a wife to Shawn, a daughter to Claudia, a mom to Allie and Mac, a mom who struggles with patience and tolerance, a wife who is the “bread-winner” in her home, a Christian woman who doesn’t fit the housewife mold.

That doesn't mean that my way is best or her way is best. Actually neither of our ways is best. Jesus is best. We are sinners. But when we are seeking Him and His will, then the path that HE has placed us on IS best for US. And as I set aside my preferences and self made prejudices, I can begin to get to know you, even though I don’t understand you. I don’t understand why Ashlee wants to be a public high school teacher. That is a frightening thought to me! What do people historically do when they don’t understand something or someone different? They fight it and try to make it like them. But we are not called to be the average intolerant conquerors of old (or the intolerant locals of the present). We are called to be set apart. So I can chose to recognize that God made Ashlee one way and he made me another. To grow in my sanctification, I can pursue Ashlee and try to find out what it is about her that makes THIS the path on which God has placed her. I can then support her, I can be FOR her, even though I’m not just LIKE her.

I know Ashlee well enough to know that she seeks God’s will for her life. Even though we are different, it is easier to be FOR her when I know she understands her need for Jesus. But what about that one who is NOT seeking God and His will? How can I be FOR her? I can tell you how to NOT be FOR her…judging her is not FOR her. Telling her what I think or what I did, giving unsolicited advice, is not FOR her. FOR her is loving, serving, sharing truth, telling her what GOD thinks according to His Word is and making myself a humble servant in the likeness of Christ. THAT is FOR her. People have done this for me and still do. When I am in seasons of sin and suffering, I am blessed with people who are Jesus to me. I am so grateful for those people who are willing to pursue me when I am only pursuing myself. The amazing thing is knowing that somehow, in ways I can’t comprehend, God is using my sin and my seeking of my own will to bring Himself glory and bring me good, the good of sanctification. He is author and completer of my faith. He's the designer. All knowingly designing my weakness and knowing how I will fall to temptation in order to make me more like Him and bring His kingdom into completion.

Sometimes that phrase "my good and his glory" really bugs me. We don't really get the definition of good there. In Rom 8:28 (all things work together...) the Greek word for good is “agathos” and can be translated as "useful". Sanctification is useful. Spreading the Gospel is useful. Sometimes "my good" turns out to be things we don't usually equate with good. Was it for Peter's good that he was crucified upside down? Did anyone see the movie or read the book, "Unbroken?" Was it good for Louie Zamperini’s plane to go down, for him to be lost at sea, beaten, and tortured? Was it good for Betsie Ten Boom to die in a German concentration camp after helping her family hide Jews for almost two years? Or were all these events for the glory of God, through the sanctification of His people and the furtherance of the Gospel to those around them. To this day, souls are changed for Christ through these stories and so many like them. Our limited understanding of "good" clouds our ability to trust God and His plan. We are so self absorbed. We forget... the garden is created for the Gardener to enjoy. The garden is NOT created for the plants.  

Our "good" as I see it, is sanctification. But even our sanctification is ultimately for HIS glory. More of Him, less of me. When it becomes about me it's no longer sanctification. It's not about me reaching perfection. It's about HIS glory being displayed in my life. It about HIS kingdom coming on earth as it is in heaven. This is not the way that we actually think. We think “good” is the American Dream. We think “good” is easy, simple, straightforward. Jesus didn't achieve the American Dream. Things were not easy for him. But for the JOY set before him he endured the cross. That joy was rooted in eternal perspective. Jesus knew that this life is temporary and real LIVING will be in eternity.

Have you ever heard of the concept of a sacrifice plant? I hadn’t…of course, as we’ve learned, I’m no gardener. A sacrifice plant is planted SPECIFICALLY for the purpose of attracting HARM so that other plants can thrive. WOAH. That’s not very nice. A loving God would not do that, right? Our sense of justice kicks in and tells us that we ALL should get a chance to thrive. But a gardener will tell you that one sacrifice plant can save dozens of other plants. Who am I to question the Master Gardener’s design? As we’ve been learning on Sunday mornings, He knows all and He is not confined to time and space. His plan is far bigger than I can dare to comprehend. Psalm 139:6 says, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.”

Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice plant. And like him we are called to lay down our lives for the Father. Sometimes this actually means our physical lives like Peter or Betsy Ten Boom. Sometimes it means our physical comforts like Louis Zamperini. Rom 8:17 reminds us we share in his hardships so that we will also share in his future glory, trusting the Master Gardener in his perfect design. 

Unlike plants, we have the blessing of having souls and we have the option to recognize the need of our souls to be saved. You see every plant that serves its purpose depends on the gardener. If no one prunes, if no one waters, if no one feeds, the garden becomes a giant mess. The hardy, strong plants take all the resources and the little, weak plants die. The garden looks nothing like its design. It’s a messy, overgrown forest of weeds and stubborn, aggressive plants. Just like plants, we want to go our own way and our way is not the best way. Our way is riddled with sin and selfishness. But when we entrust ourselves to the care of the Master Gardener, we can become something beautiful. Even if that beauty means sacrifice for the good of the garden. We have to submit our souls to the Master Gardener. We have to confess that our way is not good, that it’s ugly, and messy. We have to subject ourselves to being pruned, to being transplanted, even to being sacrificed. 


Some of us are thriving. We are in summer. The soil is rich. Our roots go deep. We are bearing fruit. Some of us are withering. We need pruning. Each day is a struggle to survive. Wherever you are today, know that the Master Gardener has designed everything about your situation, from the environment to the season, from the harmful pests to the protective covering. Depend on him to do what needs to be done. Trust in his love for you - a love that gave up heaven just to be with you. “Wherever you are, be all there.” And let us be all there WITH each other and FOR each other…for ALL our good and for all HIS glory.