The little yellow pill (Part 2)

Two days back on the little yellow pill. I have clarity, focus, control. Instead of getting overwhelmed by my surroundings I take one issue at a time and attempt to remedy it. I can see past how I FEEL about it and actually make a plan to change it and if I can't change it, I pray for God to help me accept it.

I opened myself up and shared how I felt. Originally I wrote that blog post to remind myself of truth the next time my mind convinces me that the little yellow pill is evil. I wrote it to help me remember how sick I really am.

I didn't know how many people would be encouraged. How many could relate. How many would be affected by my struggle. Hours after I posted God met me and blessed me. He showed me the tiniest glimpse of his plan for me in this. He brought so much joy.

I feel so unworthy of being used by him. I feel so incredibly useless. I'm a mess that no one should follow. But that's how he uses us. He uses our mess. He uses our weakness. It doesn't make sense in our limited minds. But he does it anyway. And it works. And God is glorified.

"Man's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever" (Westminster Catechism). We were not created to be happy, to live a long, good life, to have fame and glory. No, we were created to glorify God and that's ALL. That's a hard "pill" to swallow sometimes. But it's truth. The bible is full of passages that prove this truth. God is love and he loves us and he has plans to give us a hope and a future. But ultimately, HE is to be glorified in ALL things. And he will do that however he pleases. He is God. I am not.

Some Things I Hate (The Little Yellow Pill)

Hate is a word that is not often allowed in our house. It’s a strong word. It causes pain. It’s not something that should be used lightly. But I’m going to use it because I’m going to be real about something here.

I hate how I feel. I hate that I have to take little yellow pills so I don’t feel this way. How do I feel? Frustrated, angry, mad, scared. And then, sad, remorseful, guilty, devastated. I hate that I can see myself behaving in ways I don’t want to and yet I can't stop myself. I hate that I know what is real and yet believe and act upon what is false. I hate that I have a disease in my mind that causes me to forget I have it. It makes me think I’m ok and I don’t need those little yellow pills. It makes me think those little yellow pills are hurting me and I’d be better off without them. And then, I see the untreated me. And I hate me. It’s easy to see why suicide is attempted and succeeded by so many who suffer from diseases of the brain. I’m not going to say “mental illness” because I think we’ve gotten too comfortable with that term. The fact of the matter is that my brain is sick and if it doesn’t get medication, its illness affects every other aspect of my life. This disease of anxiety and depression hurts my loved ones the most. I have never physically abused my children, but one can see they are fully aware when mommy is not well. One wrong word or deed and mean mommy comes out. I hate mean mommy.  I feel like Gollum in “Lord of the Rings”…I want mean mommy to “leave and never come back.” But just like Gollum, I’m sick. I’m controlled by something outside of my control. Its so hard to explain and so hard to understand. I can see why years ago they just locked people like me up in a padded room. What we do doesn’t make sense to a healthy mind. 

I pray and I ask God to take this illness away. I ask for healing and to be controlled by the Holy Spirit alone. God says no. I understand. But I still hate it. I hate that I get nervous even putting this on paper for fear someone might take my my rights away because I’m sick. 

My sick mind recently convinced myself that those little yellow pills were hurting me again. I listened. “But this time will be different” I thought. I’ll carefully wean. Over two months of weaning and I was down to half dose. I was NOT ok. I was an emotional basket case. I was all over the map; one minute extremely angry and the next minute crying. I started getting short of breath today as I called the doctor and said “this isn’t working”. Anxiety attack…wow it’s been a while since we’ve spent time together. I hate you. Please go away. 

I pop the right amount of the little yellow pills and nearly cry that I can’t do it. I can’t live without them. “Do I have to pop them my whole life?” I wonder. “I hate taking them.” But then I think…why do I hate the pills that make me able to live free and not in a padded room? Why do I hate the gift I’ve been given of healing through medication? If I have a headache I take a Tylenol and I feel better. Do I hate the Tylenol…no! In fact I’m so grateful to the friend who had them in her purse that day. So why do I hate the little yellow pill? We all know why. Because even though they don’t put me in a padded room anymore, the stigma is still there; the judgment, the looks, the whispers, the questions. Why can’t you just be happy? Why can’t you just control yourself? Why do you cry all the time? Doesn’t knowing Jesus fix everything? 

Well no, but knowing Jesus helps. Its helps me to know that he will protect me and my family from the evil in this world including the evil inside of my brain. It helps me to know that there is nothing I did or didn’t do that caused me to suffer with this thorn in my flesh. Its helps me to know that He has a plan and this suffering is part of it. It helps me to know that sin is what caused sickness in this world, not God’s lack of love. But most of all it helps me to know how much I truly need him. Kind of like the medication. I can’t do what I want to do with out those little yellow pills. I can’t be the wife and mom I want to be. I can’t keep a clean house. I can’t homeschool my children. I can’t run a business. Some days I can’t even get out of bed in the morning. I can try as hard as I might but without those little yellow pills I just keep doing everything I don’t want to do. 

Knowing Jesus reminds me that I can’t do it without him. Without him, I just do what I don’t want to do. Even when I know what’s right, I still do what’s wrong. 

If you don’t need a little yellow (or blue or purple) pill, count yourself blessed. But with or without that little yellow pill I know I still need Jesus. Maybe I’m just that thick that I need a daily reminder to take my Jesus pill every day. That without it, I’m going to screw this life up big time. But with Him I can do all things.

Today I’m praying for love. I’m praying that I no longer hate this disease and hate these little yellow pills. I’m praying that I can embrace God’s plan for me that includes anxiety and depression. I praying that what I type will make a difference to someone, somewhere.  I pray that I can be ok with my need for little yellow pills. That maybe I can even love this part of my journey. I love God. And I trust Him. I guess that’s all that really matters.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23:4-6 ESV)

The Endless Cycle

I’ve been humbled this week. I don’t get sick often but when I do it’s usually God reminding me to slow down. Reminding me that I don’t have to be awesome. In my quest for being awesome I’ve lost sight of the only one who is truly awesome.  I’ve sought fame and acknowledgement from everyone other than the one who already considers me his prize possession. And here I find myself again, at this stage of the cycle, wondering why am I here again? Why can’t I just get it right? Why, even when I try my hardest and my best, I’m still a failure? And I cry and I cry (and I don’t cry often). Its then that I’m reminded…if I COULD get it right, why would I need a savior? If my best was good enough, why did Jesus have to die?  My righteousness is filthy rags. I’m nothing but a Pharisee needing to be cut down and told that earning my way to heaven (or fame, or acknowledgement, or glory) is like conceiving myself in my mother’s womb. It’s just not possible. Because even when I think I have it all together I really don’t. I’ve got supermom status, but super wife is left behind. I’ve got super church member but super friend has been MIA. See, I just cant be awesome, everywhere, all the time.  Only Jesus can do that. But I’m like Satan…I want to be God. I want to be worshipped. I want the glory. So I try to do what only God can do and I try to do it without him. And so he graciously lets me fail. And he graciously lets me cry out to him, and he graciously answers and comforts me and tells me again that he’ll pick up the pieces if I’ll let go of them. But I still want a list. I still think that if someone just tells me what to do I can get it right. See, even when I get a glimpse of the truth I retreat back to my old ways because its so foreign. Its so uncomfortable to just rest, to just be still and know and trust that he is God and he is good, and he will take care of it. So instead of running to make the list or running to the phone I’m running to his arms. Trusting that if I draw near to him, he will draw near to me. He will lead me and He will guide me. “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.”

Because He Loves Me

2/1/14
I'm reading a book by Elyse Fitzpatrick called "Because He Loves Me". I wrote this in response to the first chapter.

I’m wretched

I’m useless

I’m hopeless

I’m helpless

I’m dirty

I’m stained

I’m lost

I’m guilty

Yet…

I’m beautiful

Because he loves me

I’m useful

Because he loves me

I’m hopeful

Because he loves me

I’m helped

Because he loves me

I’m clean

Because he loves me

I’m pure

Because he loves me

I’m found

Because he loves me

I’m innocent

Because he loves me…

…because he loves me and sent his son to take my punishment on the cross. All my guilt, shame, wretchedness, helplessness was place upon him and upon me was place his purity, his righteousness, his loveliness. This is love – that a man lay down his life for his friends.

And my response?

They will know you are my disciples if you love one another.

Love

Obey in order to share God's love not to earn it.

Why is such a simple concept such a huge paradigm shift? Mainly because we have been so bent to legalism, so bent to righteous living that we've failed to see the point of it. We've gotten it twisted and backwards. God's love was ours from the beginning. It is evidenced in scripture over and over, cover to cover. And our inability to obey is also evidenced over and over. Why can we not get through our thick skulls that His love CAN NOT BE EARNED. Then why bother to obey? Rom 6 tells us that we obey because we love. Shall we be slaves to sin who desires to see us dead or slaves to God who gives life? And by being slaves to righteousness (not righteous living/legalism) we are carrying out the greatest commandment and the great commission, our purposes on this earth. It is so simple yet we constantly complicate it and mar the name of Jesus Christ as we condemn instead of love. For "God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." (John 3:17 ESV) The world is saved through love and sacrifice, not righteous living, judgement, and condemnation. If this was not our purpose then why are we not taken up to be with God when we profess our faith. There is a reason and a mission here on this earth and it is not a test of our ability to obey. We have been trusted with a great responsibility: to be the hands and feet of Christ. I am praying we as Christians stop all this striving and begin abiding in his love so much so that it overflows to all those around us. That all they see in us is Christ, not righteous living, not obedience, just love. "And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:2, 3 ESV). So the question I'm asking myself today and every day is what is my motivation? Why am I doing what I do? Why am I going to work, training my children, cleaning my house, talking with friends? Am I aiming to please men, to earn favor with God, to have a good life? I hope not. I pray that God is changing my heart that I'm motivated only by love, to seek and save the lost and to give glory to the One who laid down His glory for the sake of sinners like me, because he was motivated by one thing: Love.