We just arrived home from visiting my Dad. It took me so long to decide if I should go and I'm so glad I did. I was able to truly say goodbye, knowing it was the end. I was also able to connect with and process some grief with my Step-Mom. I can not even fathom what she has gone through, not only the past few weeks, but the years of caring for my dad as his health has been failing. She loves him so dearly - it is plain to see.
One thing I took away from the visit today was a huge sense of gratitude. I am so thankful to have Christ in my life. I truly have a peace that passes understanding (Phil 4:7). I think to some of my family members it may seem odd and almost stoic but I just have full confidence in God's will and accept that this is what is best for my father. This is not to say that I'm not sad or don't cry. While I was alone with him I let it out and I know that I will continue to do so as grief tends to come in waves for me. But unlike most of my family I have the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles (2 Cor 1:3-4). I have a God who turns my mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). He is with me and I am with Him (1 John 4:13). I have his peace like a river flowing through me (Isaiah 66:12) and I will not be shaken (Psalm 16:8). I praise Him for His love and kindness. I praise Him for all the wonderful memories I have of my Dad and that I have no regrets.
Although today my dad is truly on his death bed, I am grateful to be getting back to some sense of normalcy within my household. L is feeling much better and I am on the other side of this cold. DH and I have avoided the plague, although friends ended up with what L got, somehow we were protected. As I read through James last night (since the beginning of it has been my theme verse all week), I found so many more amazing reminders of walking in obedience and God's promises when we do. As we have persevered through these last few weeks, this particular verse stuck out most:
James 5:11
As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
Although I have experienced a few trials in the past month, I have not the slightest comprehension of the loss suffered by Job. Yet through all his suffering, Job continued to be faithful to God and God blessed him. I know that God has poured out his compassion and mercy over me. He has kept me strong in faith and protected me from myself. He has put his arms around me and said "its okay, I've got you." Although I might be losing my earthly father I have an amazing heavenly father who is able to do exceedingly more abundantly than I could ever hope for or imagine (Eph 3:20) and for that I can never be thankful enough.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Draw Near to God and He wil Draw Near to You
Dad is receiving hospice care in the hospital. All tubes but a catheter and oxygen have been removed. He is receiving morphine for pain and Adavan for anxiety and is very comfortable. He is not responsive though he is conscious. It is a matter of hours to a few days at this point.
L seemed to be having a better morning. He did have some diarrhea but ate a piece of toast and probably drank 8 oz of gingerale since yesterday. DH had gotten the hot tub all set up this week and we have all been getting in it as a fun distraction (don't worry its only 99 degrees). He and L went "swimming" this morning. Later L started screaming and crying uncontrollably and tugging at his ear. We decided to call the doc and took him to the ER to get checked. It looks like he has a little wax build up and probably water trapped in there. The canal was a little swollen but the ear drum looked fine so it is not an inner ear infection at this point. They gave us some drops to dry it up and hopefully keep it from getting infected.
L was so tired he fell asleep at the ER while we were waiting to be discharged. When we got home he asked for toast so he had another slice. We went up to do stories and nap and he was like his old self again. Reading, counting, interacting with the stories. So I am hoping this is a trend and he is really on the mend this time.
I had trouble falling asleep and finally took some Tylenol PM at 12:30. I slept til about 9:30. Still exhausted but sleep alludes me so I'm just resting when I can. Its pretty hard to shut my mind off with out some kind of distraction.
There are so many lessons that God has been teaching us through all this. I cant begin to thank Him for His grace and mercy throughout this whole week. It seems at times that nothing else could go wrong but the reality is we have so much to be grateful for. We are all still here together. Baby boy is healthy and seems to be thriving (from all the jumping jacks he's been doing in there). L is not hooked up to an IV in the hospital and DH doesn't even have a sniffle.
Not to mention how these trials just continue to draw us closer to God. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has drawn near to us. I know that I could not get through any of this without relying on His strength. I would have given up long ago, shut myself up in bed and just cried. I would have been screaming at DH that everything was his fault and I would have caused nothing but aggravation and upset to L who needs me to be calm and loving. God is with us and we are so grateful.
As I considered my present sufferings while lying awake last night, God reminded me of something I said to a friend a exactly one week ago (a day before I was admitted to the hospital) and I plan on taking my own advice:
"Remember that as Children of God we share in the sufferings of Christ and that He endured the ultimate suffering on our behalf on the cross.
Rom 8:17-18
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
2 Cor 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
Phil 3:8-11
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
1 Pet 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.
Finally remember that sometimes God allows us to suffer, not because of anything we have done, or for a punishment, but because He is doing an amazing work in our lives:
John 9:1-3
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
Its okay to cry, its okay to be sad. But don't let sadness and depression push you away from God, let it push you toward Him. Let him turn your morning into gladness (Jer 31:13)."
L seemed to be having a better morning. He did have some diarrhea but ate a piece of toast and probably drank 8 oz of gingerale since yesterday. DH had gotten the hot tub all set up this week and we have all been getting in it as a fun distraction (don't worry its only 99 degrees). He and L went "swimming" this morning. Later L started screaming and crying uncontrollably and tugging at his ear. We decided to call the doc and took him to the ER to get checked. It looks like he has a little wax build up and probably water trapped in there. The canal was a little swollen but the ear drum looked fine so it is not an inner ear infection at this point. They gave us some drops to dry it up and hopefully keep it from getting infected.
L was so tired he fell asleep at the ER while we were waiting to be discharged. When we got home he asked for toast so he had another slice. We went up to do stories and nap and he was like his old self again. Reading, counting, interacting with the stories. So I am hoping this is a trend and he is really on the mend this time.
I had trouble falling asleep and finally took some Tylenol PM at 12:30. I slept til about 9:30. Still exhausted but sleep alludes me so I'm just resting when I can. Its pretty hard to shut my mind off with out some kind of distraction.
There are so many lessons that God has been teaching us through all this. I cant begin to thank Him for His grace and mercy throughout this whole week. It seems at times that nothing else could go wrong but the reality is we have so much to be grateful for. We are all still here together. Baby boy is healthy and seems to be thriving (from all the jumping jacks he's been doing in there). L is not hooked up to an IV in the hospital and DH doesn't even have a sniffle.
Not to mention how these trials just continue to draw us closer to God. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has drawn near to us. I know that I could not get through any of this without relying on His strength. I would have given up long ago, shut myself up in bed and just cried. I would have been screaming at DH that everything was his fault and I would have caused nothing but aggravation and upset to L who needs me to be calm and loving. God is with us and we are so grateful.
As I considered my present sufferings while lying awake last night, God reminded me of something I said to a friend a exactly one week ago (a day before I was admitted to the hospital) and I plan on taking my own advice:
"Remember that as Children of God we share in the sufferings of Christ and that He endured the ultimate suffering on our behalf on the cross.
Rom 8:17-18
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
2 Cor 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
Phil 3:8-11
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
1 Pet 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.
Finally remember that sometimes God allows us to suffer, not because of anything we have done, or for a punishment, but because He is doing an amazing work in our lives:
John 9:1-3
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
Its okay to cry, its okay to be sad. But don't let sadness and depression push you away from God, let it push you toward Him. Let him turn your morning into gladness (Jer 31:13)."
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Are we mature yet?
My fathers procedure for the stomach feeding tube insertion yesterday did not go well. They were unable to complete the procedure and he was very badly affected by the anesthesia. He now has only IV as a source of nutrients. His heart started beating irregularly today which the nurse told my step mom was a sign that he was nearing the end. If he makes it through the weekend she has pretty much decided to put him in hospice house Monday and remove all the tubes and let him go comfortably. He has been so agitated by the tubes and the anesthesia (due to Alzheimer's), she just really thinks he cant take anymore. The pneumonia is not clearing and now that there is no feeding tube there is no sense in dragging things out. I completely understand and agree with her decision but it doesn't make it any less sad. Most likely, either DH or a friend will drive me down there tomorrow. It all depends what I hear tonight/tomorrow morn and how L is doing.
L has pretty much been the same today - diarrhea and another huge vomit (all over me). The diaper rash is much better though. I spoke to the doctor's office and they said this was going around - not too force food on him but just get him to take little sips of clear fluids and if he can hold that down then maybe some crackers. He held down some flat gingerale and maybe like one saltine. So that is a start. He started to perk up a little this evening. He was asking for cheese to eat but we wouldn't give it to him. We are just sticking with the most easily digested stuff. Most things he eats he spits out, even if he says yummy when he puts them in his mouth (i.e. teddy grahams).
I am getting ready to head to bed now. I wasn't able to sleep earlier because I just kept thinking, but I journaled some stuff about my dad and that helped me start processing the grief.
Pray for sleep to come quickly and easily and that I can sleep through the night. And that L sleeps all night with no more explosions of any sort. Pray for wisdom for us to know what to do tomorrow. Thank you everyone.
L has pretty much been the same today - diarrhea and another huge vomit (all over me). The diaper rash is much better though. I spoke to the doctor's office and they said this was going around - not too force food on him but just get him to take little sips of clear fluids and if he can hold that down then maybe some crackers. He held down some flat gingerale and maybe like one saltine. So that is a start. He started to perk up a little this evening. He was asking for cheese to eat but we wouldn't give it to him. We are just sticking with the most easily digested stuff. Most things he eats he spits out, even if he says yummy when he puts them in his mouth (i.e. teddy grahams).
I am getting ready to head to bed now. I wasn't able to sleep earlier because I just kept thinking, but I journaled some stuff about my dad and that helped me start processing the grief.
Pray for sleep to come quickly and easily and that I can sleep through the night. And that L sleeps all night with no more explosions of any sort. Pray for wisdom for us to know what to do tomorrow. Thank you everyone.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Still persevering...
Well my cold is coming around to full force now and L was pretty much the same today. Less explosive but still major tummy problems, not eating much and not drinking much, fever and diaper rash but lessened. Pretty sure hes got a virus, with the original chest rash and the fever and everything. Praying its a 48 hour bug and that tomorrow we are done with this.
Meanwhile I decided to keep taking my antibiotic even though the doc said I could stop it. I don't think it will hurt the baby (they wouldn't have given it to me in the first place) and if there is something in my system its worth trying to knock it out. I always have weird urinary stuff that is never properly diagnosed.
So they last two days have felt like four and I lost the first two days of this week in the hospital. My sense of time is completely out of whack. Thankfully I don't have to go anywhere or do anything all weekend, so now its time to catch up.
They are looking into hospice care for my dad which is kinda scary for me. I know what that means - both my grandparents died at hospice. But its hospice home care so there's still possibly lots of time...my grandpa had hospice home care for like 2 years after his cancer diagnosis. They were able to put a trach in for Dad to talk and they were putting his stomach feeding tube in this morning. There just aren't alot of good options for rehab/nursing facilities in the area. Pray for my step mom. I know she is overwhelmed and discouraged by everything. Its so much to deal with on her own. My sister & her husband from Utah are on their way out here to help for 10 days, so that will be a relief. I hope to be able to go down while they are here but right now everything is one day at a time.
This evening DH and I almost lost it with each other. All the stress, we nearly got into it big time over nothing. Thankfully we stopped it and just talked about the verse I'm clinging to right now (James 1:2-4 above) and that got us back to God. We took some time this evening to focus on each other and that was really good.
Thank you again for all your prayers - its awesome to know that you are out there praying for us. I know its helping us stay grounded in God and His Word.
Meanwhile I decided to keep taking my antibiotic even though the doc said I could stop it. I don't think it will hurt the baby (they wouldn't have given it to me in the first place) and if there is something in my system its worth trying to knock it out. I always have weird urinary stuff that is never properly diagnosed.
So they last two days have felt like four and I lost the first two days of this week in the hospital. My sense of time is completely out of whack. Thankfully I don't have to go anywhere or do anything all weekend, so now its time to catch up.
They are looking into hospice care for my dad which is kinda scary for me. I know what that means - both my grandparents died at hospice. But its hospice home care so there's still possibly lots of time...my grandpa had hospice home care for like 2 years after his cancer diagnosis. They were able to put a trach in for Dad to talk and they were putting his stomach feeding tube in this morning. There just aren't alot of good options for rehab/nursing facilities in the area. Pray for my step mom. I know she is overwhelmed and discouraged by everything. Its so much to deal with on her own. My sister & her husband from Utah are on their way out here to help for 10 days, so that will be a relief. I hope to be able to go down while they are here but right now everything is one day at a time.
This evening DH and I almost lost it with each other. All the stress, we nearly got into it big time over nothing. Thankfully we stopped it and just talked about the verse I'm clinging to right now (James 1:2-4 above) and that got us back to God. We took some time this evening to focus on each other and that was really good.
Thank you again for all your prayers - its awesome to know that you are out there praying for us. I know its helping us stay grounded in God and His Word.
Considering it Joy...
We had some friends come over last night - not exactly planned but it worked out because they needed our help and we needed theirs. L had developed a terrible diaper rash by evening from all the diarrhea and it was so horrific just trying to get his diaper changed from the tiniest little poops that were irritating it. We actually let him run around diaper-less for a while and sat him on the potty a few times. It worked well for a quite a long time until he had a bigger poop explode all over the living room. So again, thank God they were here to help. The rash is better today and he slept in a bit. But I just smelled poop...I was hoping the diarrhea was gone. I left a sippy in his room and he finished it this morning while waiting for me to get him - he really didnt drink much yesterday. So that was also a relief.
So shocking that I would start to have some contractions yesterday with all the stress. Thankfully they subsided. So I have to just keep hydrated and take it as easy as I can, but you all know how that goes with a sick kid. Thankfully DH is around alot.
Thank you all for the prayers and please keep them coming. Especially for my Dad's health.
So shocking that I would start to have some contractions yesterday with all the stress. Thankfully they subsided. So I have to just keep hydrated and take it as easy as I can, but you all know how that goes with a sick kid. Thankfully DH is around alot.
Thank you all for the prayers and please keep them coming. Especially for my Dad's health.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
James 1:2-4
If its not one thing its another. It has really been a rough couple of weeks. Two weeks ago one of our mobile home rentals burned to the ground, the following day may dad had throat cancer surgery. Tuesday I got home from the hospital with unexplained preterm labor (cultures came back negative) and found my son had a terrible itchy rash on his chest. I am on my way to a full blown cold now and cant sleep much at night. L woke up this morning with huge diarrhea everywhere and then again an hour later. Got everything cleaned up and 2 hours later he ate grapes and threw up all over me and him and the office.
Ugh...amazingly we are all doing fairly well. I haven't completely broke down yet so that is good news. Please pray for my family. I don't know if we are under attack or if God is just allowing the trials to remind me to "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)
We are definitely persevering but I don't know how much more I can take. My father's prognosis isn't good and I've already lost one relative during this pregnancy.
Thank God for my husband and the flexibility of our work. I don't know what I would do with out him.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
Ugh...amazingly we are all doing fairly well. I haven't completely broke down yet so that is good news. Please pray for my family. I don't know if we are under attack or if God is just allowing the trials to remind me to "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)
We are definitely persevering but I don't know how much more I can take. My father's prognosis isn't good and I've already lost one relative during this pregnancy.
Thank God for my husband and the flexibility of our work. I don't know what I would do with out him.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
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