Stress

On May 10, 2009 we welcomed J into the world. I went into labor quickly and was rushed into the operating room as J was breech and his foot was coming first. We both made it through the surgery well and within a short time J was contentedly nursing and resting. The first week was a dichotomy, easy caring for the second baby, harder recovering from major surgery. After 2 weeks I was ready to hit the town, having been pent up for so long (it seemed) I really wanted to get back to my "normal" life. By the end of week 3 I was suffering. Not only did the pain come back in my abdomen, but the 3 week growth spurt/fussy time had begun.

On top of all this life and work goes on around me. L has been fairly good but I have found it difficult to keep my cool with him under my sleep deprived circumstances. I question my abilities as a mom everyday. I really just want to take care of my family "properly" but I am now learning its just too much to expect three weeks postpartum.

Not only does family life go on but so does work. We do have extra help but there are certain things like tenant screening and selection that are my job exclusively. Unfortunately we had two openings this month. The first one that I rented I'm fearing I jumped too quickly and will be regretting, the second still isn't rented.

Today I find myself overly stressed. When I was wallowing in my negative attitude, comparing myself to others, something inside said, "stress is a choice". Yes, life is a bit hard right now, but I have so much to be grateful for. It could be so much worse. And honestly, comparing doesn't do my negative attitude any good because I find that I am spoiled compared to most new moms:

I have a husband who can stay home from work pretty much anytime. He is at my beckon call for whatever I need, whether it be sleep, food, errands, or a shower. My in-laws and mother jump at the chance to help me with L, meals, or picking up items at the store. My newborn is healthy and growing. He has enough strength to cry when he's hungry, wet, or just wants to be with me. My two year old has adjusted to his baby brother seamlessly. He loves his parents and just wants our attention, how can I fault him for that. I have a job that enables me to work on my own schedule. I have hired help at work and at home. I have all the materiel things I need and want to make caring for my family easy.

Sometimes I just have to stop and think. This is one of those times. Like David all throughout the Psalms, regardless of his circumstances, he was determined to praise. When he was chased, falsely accused, attacked, he just continued to move closer to God. He was faithful, never doubting God's eternal plan. May I be like David, praising my God through all the trials, never questioning, never wishing things were different, just accepting God knows more than me and He will see me through.

Psalm 71

¹ In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame.

² Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.

³ Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.

⁴ Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

⁵ For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.

⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.

⁷ I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.

⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.

⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.

¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.

¹¹ They say, "God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him."

¹² Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.

¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.

¹⁴ But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.

¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

¹⁷ Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.

¹⁹ Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?

²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

²¹ You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

²² I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.

²³ My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.

²⁴ My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.

Daddy's Gone

Dad passed last night shortly after midnight. My stepsister joked that she knew he was waiting til April fool's day to get one more joke in before he left. He had to go out on a high note...

Here is what I plan on sharing at the service Saturday...its a little repetitive if you have read my last post but I felt I needed to share my experience of God's love and peace with my family:

First, I just want to share a little about my experience processing Dad’s death.

I was so glad we made the trip down on Tuesday to see Dad before his passing. I was able to truly say goodbye, knowing it was the end. I was also able to connect and process some grief with R. I cannot even fathom what she has gone through, not only the past few weeks, but the years of caring for Dad as his health has been failing. She loves him so dearly - it is plain to see. One thing I realized as I began to process Dad’s death was that I am so thankful to have Christ in my life. I truly have a peace that passes understanding. I think to some it may seem odd and almost stoic but I just have full confidence in God's will and accept that this is what is best for my dad. I'm still sad and I cry. While I was alone with Dad I was able to let it out and again the day after he passed. I will continue to do so as grief tends to come in waves for me. But I know that, with me, I have the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles. I have a God who turns my mourning into dancing. He is with me and I am with Him. I have his peace like a river flowing through me and my faith in Him will not be shaken. I praise Him for His love and kindness. I praise Him for all the wonderful memories I have of my Dad.

The six hours between when I left Dad and when he left us, I found myself overcome with an incredible joy and peace that could only be explained as supernatural. I know Dad would be glad to hear that on the night of his passing, I got the best sleep I’d had in weeks, knowing that “everything was going to be okay,” because that is what he always told me. As we have persevered through these last few weeks, I know that God has poured out his compassion and mercy over me. He has kept me strong in faith and protected me from myself. He has put his arms around me and said "it’s okay, I've got you." Although I might have lost my earthly father, I have an amazing heavenly father who is able to do exceedingly more abundantly than I could ever hope for or imagine and for that I can never be thankful enough.

Now about Dad…Dad lived a long and amazing life. He never had it easy. As a child he suffered much loss and endured much pain. Unfortunately, we often repeat what we know. I know that I am blessed to have had Dad in the last 30 years of his life. It was obvious to me that during my lifetime his biggest fear was causing anyone any more pain. It is sad that earlier in his life he missed the opportunity to be the kind of dad he was created to be.

Dad was so smart, amazing with numbers, and had the most fantastic memory especially for movies and trivia. His quick wit and play on words always had us cracking up. And the impersonations were uncanny – my favorite had to be the Count from Seseme Street. Although I may be young to experience the passing of a parent, it is countered by the fact that I have so many good memories. My childhood favorite mac and cheese from the box, learning to ride my bike, staying up too late watch Saturday night live, him giving me his bed and taking the couch, two packs of candy and a slurpee at 7-11 when he picked me up on weekends, McDonald’s pancakes and ice cream sundaes, eating cake at meetings, and Dad bringing R to be my friend. The museums, plays, Chincoteague, Florida trips to visit B and go body surfing. Learning way more than any girl needed to know about baseball, the Oriels in Baltimore and Spring Training in Florida. Winter, Spring, and Summer vacations in Florida – spoiled by the pool, the beach, the sun, and my Daddy. Talking on the phone in college and Dad comforting me with his favorite phrase “everything’s going to be okay”, Father Martin’s Ashley, our time together in Johnstown and Dad holding his newborn grandson L. Visits to Rhinebeck and those wonderful final smiles he gave me in ICU a few weeks ago.

These are just some of my fond memories but I know Dad has touched so many lives from family to friends, from Florida to New York and probably around the globe. Dad did everything he could in the last 30 years to reach out and help someone in need. Just last year I heard friends from Rhinebeck speak of how much his words and support had helped them. Even as he suffered with the loss of his mind and the failing of his body, he was still able to give what he had left to someone else. It may seem Dad now has nothing left to give, but today he gives us his legacy – a legacy of love and generosity. I am proud to call him my father and will cherish how he loved me by working to become a better man each day of his life, doing the best he knew how to do, one day at a time.

Peace that Passes Understanding

We just arrived home from visiting my Dad. It took me so long to decide if I should go and I'm so glad I did. I was able to truly say goodbye, knowing it was the end. I was also able to connect with and process some grief with my Step-Mom. I can not even fathom what she has gone through, not only the past few weeks, but the years of caring for my dad as his health has been failing. She loves him so dearly - it is plain to see.

One thing I took away from the visit today was a huge sense of gratitude. I am so thankful to have Christ in my life. I truly have a peace that passes understanding (Phil 4:7). I think to some of my family members it may seem odd and almost stoic but I just have full confidence in God's will and accept that this is what is best for my father. This is not to say that I'm not sad or don't cry. While I was alone with him I let it out and I know that I will continue to do so as grief tends to come in waves for me. But unlike most of my family I have the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles (2 Cor 1:3-4). I have a God who turns my mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11). He is with me and I am with Him (1 John 4:13). I have his peace like a river flowing through me (Isaiah 66:12) and I will not be shaken (Psalm 16:8). I praise Him for His love and kindness. I praise Him for all the wonderful memories I have of my Dad and that I have no regrets.

Although today my dad is truly on his death bed, I am grateful to be getting back to some sense of normalcy within my household. L is feeling much better and I am on the other side of this cold. DH and I have avoided the plague, although friends ended up with what L got, somehow we were protected. As I read through James last night (since the beginning of it has been my theme verse all week), I found so many more amazing reminders of walking in obedience and God's promises when we do. As we have persevered through these last few weeks, this particular verse stuck out most:
James 5:11
As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Although I have experienced a few trials in the past month, I have not the slightest comprehension of the loss suffered by Job. Yet through all his suffering, Job continued to be faithful to God and God blessed him. I know that God has poured out his compassion and mercy over me. He has kept me strong in faith and protected me from myself. He has put his arms around me and said "its okay, I've got you." Although I might be losing my earthly father I have an amazing heavenly father who is able to do exceedingly more abundantly than I could ever hope for or imagine (Eph 3:20) and for that I can never be thankful enough.

Draw Near to God and He wil Draw Near to You

Dad is receiving hospice care in the hospital. All tubes but a catheter and oxygen have been removed. He is receiving morphine for pain and Adavan for anxiety and is very comfortable. He is not responsive though he is conscious. It is a matter of hours to a few days at this point.

L seemed to be having a better morning. He did have some diarrhea but ate a piece of toast and probably drank 8 oz of gingerale since yesterday. DH had gotten the hot tub all set up this week and we have all been getting in it as a fun distraction (don't worry its only 99 degrees). He and L went "swimming" this morning. Later L started screaming and crying uncontrollably and tugging at his ear. We decided to call the doc and took him to the ER to get checked. It looks like he has a little wax build up and probably water trapped in there. The canal was a little swollen but the ear drum looked fine so it is not an inner ear infection at this point. They gave us some drops to dry it up and hopefully keep it from getting infected.

L was so tired he fell asleep at the ER while we were waiting to be discharged. When we got home he asked for toast so he had another slice. We went up to do stories and nap and he was like his old self again. Reading, counting, interacting with the stories. So I am hoping this is a trend and he is really on the mend this time.

I had trouble falling asleep and finally took some Tylenol PM at 12:30. I slept til about 9:30. Still exhausted but sleep alludes me so I'm just resting when I can. Its pretty hard to shut my mind off with out some kind of distraction.

There are so many lessons that God has been teaching us through all this. I cant begin to thank Him for His grace and mercy throughout this whole week. It seems at times that nothing else could go wrong but the reality is we have so much to be grateful for. We are all still here together. Baby boy is healthy and seems to be thriving (from all the jumping jacks he's been doing in there). L is not hooked up to an IV in the hospital and DH doesn't even have a sniffle.

Not to mention how these trials just continue to draw us closer to God. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has drawn near to us. I know that I could not get through any of this without relying on His strength. I would have given up long ago, shut myself up in bed and just cried. I would have been screaming at DH that everything was his fault and I would have caused nothing but aggravation and upset to L who needs me to be calm and loving. God is with us and we are so grateful.

As I considered my present sufferings while lying awake last night, God reminded me of something I said to a friend a exactly one week ago (a day before I was admitted to the hospital) and I plan on taking my own advice:

"Remember that as Children of God we share in the sufferings of Christ and that He endured the ultimate suffering on our behalf on the cross.

Rom 8:17-18
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
2 Cor 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
Phil 3:8-11
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
1 Pet 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Finally remember that sometimes God allows us to suffer, not because of anything we have done, or for a punishment, but because He is doing an amazing work in our lives:

John 9:1-3
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

Its okay to cry, its okay to be sad. But don't let sadness and depression push you away from God, let it push you toward Him. Let him turn your morning into gladness (Jer 31:13)."

Are we mature yet?

My fathers procedure for the stomach feeding tube insertion yesterday did not go well. They were unable to complete the procedure and he was very badly affected by the anesthesia. He now has only IV as a source of nutrients. His heart started beating irregularly today which the nurse told my step mom was a sign that he was nearing the end. If he makes it through the weekend she has pretty much decided to put him in hospice house Monday and remove all the tubes and let him go comfortably. He has been so agitated by the tubes and the anesthesia (due to Alzheimer's), she just really thinks he cant take anymore. The pneumonia is not clearing and now that there is no feeding tube there is no sense in dragging things out. I completely understand and agree with her decision but it doesn't make it any less sad. Most likely, either DH or a friend will drive me down there tomorrow. It all depends what I hear tonight/tomorrow morn and how L is doing.

L has pretty much been the same today - diarrhea and another huge vomit (all over me). The diaper rash is much better though. I spoke to the doctor's office and they said this was going around - not too force food on him but just get him to take little sips of clear fluids and if he can hold that down then maybe some crackers. He held down some flat gingerale and maybe like one saltine. So that is a start. He started to perk up a little this evening. He was asking for cheese to eat but we wouldn't give it to him. We are just sticking with the most easily digested stuff. Most things he eats he spits out, even if he says yummy when he puts them in his mouth (i.e. teddy grahams).

I am getting ready to head to bed now. I wasn't able to sleep earlier because I just kept thinking, but I journaled some stuff about my dad and that helped me start processing the grief.

Pray for sleep to come quickly and easily and that I can sleep through the night. And that L sleeps all night with no more explosions of any sort. Pray for wisdom for us to know what to do tomorrow. Thank you everyone.

Still persevering...

Well my cold is coming around to full force now and L was pretty much the same today. Less explosive but still major tummy problems, not eating much and not drinking much, fever and diaper rash but lessened. Pretty sure hes got a virus, with the original chest rash and the fever and everything. Praying its a 48 hour bug and that tomorrow we are done with this.

Meanwhile I decided to keep taking my antibiotic even though the doc said I could stop it. I don't think it will hurt the baby (they wouldn't have given it to me in the first place) and if there is something in my system its worth trying to knock it out. I always have weird urinary stuff that is never properly diagnosed.

So they last two days have felt like four and I lost the first two days of this week in the hospital. My sense of time is completely out of whack. Thankfully I don't have to go anywhere or do anything all weekend, so now its time to catch up.

They are looking into hospice care for my dad which is kinda scary for me. I know what that means - both my grandparents died at hospice. But its hospice home care so there's still possibly lots of time...my grandpa had hospice home care for like 2 years after his cancer diagnosis. They were able to put a trach in for Dad to talk and they were putting his stomach feeding tube in this morning. There just aren't alot of good options for rehab/nursing facilities in the area. Pray for my step mom. I know she is overwhelmed and discouraged by everything. Its so much to deal with on her own. My sister & her husband from Utah are on their way out here to help for 10 days, so that will be a relief. I hope to be able to go down while they are here but right now everything is one day at a time.

This evening DH and I almost lost it with each other. All the stress, we nearly got into it big time over nothing. Thankfully we stopped it and just talked about the verse I'm clinging to right now (James 1:2-4 above) and that got us back to God. We took some time this evening to focus on each other and that was really good.

Thank you again for all your prayers - its awesome to know that you are out there praying for us. I know its helping us stay grounded in God and His Word.

Considering it Joy...

We had some friends come over last night - not exactly planned but it worked out because they needed our help and we needed theirs. L had developed a terrible diaper rash by evening from all the diarrhea and it was so horrific just trying to get his diaper changed from the tiniest little poops that were irritating it. We actually let him run around diaper-less for a while and sat him on the potty a few times. It worked well for a quite a long time until he had a bigger poop explode all over the living room. So again, thank God they were here to help. The rash is better today and he slept in a bit. But I just smelled poop...I was hoping the diarrhea was gone. I left a sippy in his room and he finished it this morning while waiting for me to get him - he really didnt drink much yesterday. So that was also a relief.

So shocking that I would start to have some contractions yesterday with all the stress. Thankfully they subsided. So I have to just keep hydrated and take it as easy as I can, but you all know how that goes with a sick kid. Thankfully DH is around alot.

Thank you all for the prayers and please keep them coming. Especially for my Dad's health.

James 1:2-4

If its not one thing its another. It has really been a rough couple of weeks. Two weeks ago one of our mobile home rentals burned to the ground, the following day may dad had throat cancer surgery. Tuesday I got home from the hospital with unexplained preterm labor (cultures came back negative) and found my son had a terrible itchy rash on his chest. I am on my way to a full blown cold now and cant sleep much at night. L woke up this morning with huge diarrhea everywhere and then again an hour later. Got everything cleaned up and 2 hours later he ate grapes and threw up all over me and him and the office.

Ugh...amazingly we are all doing fairly well. I haven't completely broke down yet so that is good news. Please pray for my family. I don't know if we are under attack or if God is just allowing the trials to remind me to "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

We are definitely persevering but I don't know how much more I can take. My father's prognosis isn't good and I've already lost one relative during this pregnancy.

Thank God for my husband and the flexibility of our work. I don't know what I would do with out him.

Thank you all for your continued prayers.

Discipline

Hebrews 12:1-12

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."[a]
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.

I am so in love with this passage lately. Its always coming to mind. I got familiar with it when researching God's word regarding discipline for my son. But find more and more that I'm applying it to my own life as well as the lives of other adults God places in my path.

I see a cycle in my life of sin, discipline, repentance, growth. I sin, God disciplines me for my sin, I recognize and repent, and God brings growth. Then there is another sin to be dealt with and we start all over again. But so often I would get stuck in the discipline phase. Whether it was guilt or fear that kept me there, I would wallow in it.

I will be the first one to say how much it can sting when the truth of God's word hits our hearts. I would spend so much time worrying about the embarrassment I had caused myself and questioning how to be different. I had always lived this way, how was I going to change? What a waste! That was time I could have spent learning how to be different and be relieved of that "discipline" I had brought upon myself by just walking in obedience.

I have learned how awesome it is to let God take over and let go of my old ways and ideas. His ways are so much better than our ways. He is an awesome God. Don't get stuck in the recognition and admission phase...because its too hard to be different. Its not! God is the one who does all the work. Just let go!

I also let the devil discourage me with guilt. Don't think you are unloved and useless because you now have eyes to see your sin. God is revealing his truth so that you can repent and grow. Remember Christ already paid the price and you already have forgiveness.

I can testify to amazing things happening in my life, my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, when I've just let go and let God do it all for me.

God's Eyes

I have really been convicted lately to see people with God's eyes. You hear this terminology around the Christian community so often but how often do we really do it? Its amazing the difference in my relationship with others when I stop judging and let God be the judge. When I start seeing them as His lost sheep and loving them with His love, something amazing happens. Its got to be supernatural because I know I am not capable of looking beyond the sinner, but I know God is. He is changing something in me and its really amazing. Its so awesome when my first thought about a person or situation is surprising to me. A friend told me of a struggling person she knew and how disappointing it was to watch this person live in sin. My first thought wasn't "how could they be so stupid", it was "love them". I know that didn't come from me. I hope that I continue to walk close enough with God that His thoughts become my thoughts.

John 3:30
³⁰He must become greater; I must become less.

Funny how God Answers Prayer

For the past few days I have been praying for clarity on how to respond to DH's recent desire to beef up security at home. I had concerns about his motivation but didn't want to express them without God's leading. I was really wanting to submit and support his desire but at the same time wondering how we balance trusting God and preparing for "the worst". I mean who likes thinking about the possibility of home invasion. When he spoke to me about his ideas for security improvement (nothing too extreme, no bars on the windows or anything) I was reserved and just said they sounded like ideas to look into. Meanwhile I was praying for discernment and the proper response.

So...God is so funny. Today at the doctor's office, I was checking out and discovered that my wallet was not in my purse. That was a bit disconcerting. I considered the last time I had it out which was 2 days ago. Thankfully I did not completely freak out. I finished my errands for the morning and stopped by the bank to check my balance. Then called a few places it might have been. I asked for prayer to find it and then searched the car and house. I checked online and none of the cards had been used. I was starting to break down when it wasn't turning up at home. But quickly I determined to not let this ruin my awesome week or my day (in which was planned a special V-day date with DH). After considering all that could have happened to it, my best logical explanation is that it was stolen from my car yesterday morning.

Now a few months ago this could have been something that really set me off for weeks. I would have made a catastrophe out of the whole thing and been complaining about it to everyone. But today while talking over the whole situation with DH on our date, I realized that losing my wallet was actually an answer to prayer.

See, God helped me to see that...well, simply put, "Bad things happen to good people". It is likely that someone actually stole my wallet. How likely it is that someone will break into my house? Well, I don't know, but it could happen. Even though I love God and God loves me, there is still evil in this world and...it could happen. So why not follow the wisdom that God has given my husband to protect his family. There really is no reason not to.

The missing wallet was a big deal. Just not in the way you would think. It was a big deal because it was God speaking to me again for the umpteenth time this week. Praise Him for his faithfulness and His answering prayer...even when its not as we expect.

God's Creation

I saw two of the most stunning examples of his creation this week. Today it was a beautiful full rainbow that I swear was there just for me. There is this stretch of road on my way home that is just fields and then mountains in the background...I could see the complete rainbow in front of the mountains and there was no one else on the road. It was just amazing!

On Monday as I was on my way home in the evening (the same day God gave me Gal 6:9) I saw the full moon rising at sunset. Have you ever seen it? So huge and bright and beautiful. It was like God was saying, way to go Liz I'm so proud of you and glad you are listening to me.

I love those moments when I really feel God in my life. Its great to know that I dont labor in vain. 1 Cor 15:58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Growing Weary

Gal 6:9-10
9Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Do you ever have one of those days where you are weary of doing good?

That was me yesterday and it was awesome because God brought this verse to mind and it really encouraged me.
DH and I were struggling yesterday, partly because of our flesh and partly because I think Satan is trying to attack since we both have been doing so well lately and growing so much.

Needless to say we both made some mistakes and my flesh really just wanted to give up on the day. I didn't want to go to the grocery store, work or make dinner. These may seem like little things but these are the things that I have been working on keeping a tight schedule with. I knew DH would like the dinner I was making and I wanted to be mad and just not make it. But I didn't give in! Even though my flesh was saying, "why do I always have to be the good one, doing the right thing?". And then this verse popped into my head! Praise God. I did what I needed to do for the day and was encouraged and had a good attitude about it.

Sometimes its just hard to get out of our own ruts but this verse really helped me do that yesterday.

Gifts of the Spirit

1 Cor 12:1-11
1Now about spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be ignorant. 2You know that when you were pagans, somehow or other you were influenced and led astray to mute idols. 3Therefore I tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus be cursed," and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit.

4There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. 5There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 6There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.

7Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 8To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, 10to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues,[a] and to still another the interpretation of tongues.[b] 11All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines.

So what about the gifts? Are they for us now or just for the early church? If so, how do we use them?

I believe that the gifts are for the church now as much as they were for the early church.

I grew up in a church that was very "spirit-filled". I put it in quotes because that is just what people tend to say, though I believe we all have the spirit in us if we have Christ.

In this spirit filled church though, even as a young girl, I felt pressure to have to speak in tongues and be slain in the spirit, when prayed for. I look back and wonder how real those experiences were (for me). I don't doubt that God does those things in us and through us. I just feel like sometimes too much emphasis is put on these things and it distracts from God's true purpose for us - to be holy and blameless on the day of his coming. I wonder if I spent more time learning his word then trying to impress the congregation, would I have strayed less?

"to SOME are given"...not to all or that all need to experience/receive each gift. God gives gifts to those of his choosing and to be used for his purposes to edify the body...not edify the individual.

Eph 4:11-13
11And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;12For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:13Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:

Rom 12:5-7
5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[b]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

When we talk about gifts people get so stuck on tongues and healing that they forget about so many of the other gifts...like faith, teaching, serving, encouraging, etc. These gifts are no less important and need to be recognized as much as the more "supernatural" gifts. No gift is too small for God to use in amazing ways!

Judging

What does God say about judging others? The first few verses I can think of are these:
Mat 7:1-2
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

And then seemingly to the contrary:

1 Cor 5:9-13
9I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13God will judge those outside. "Expel the wicked man from among you."

What does judging really mean? And what does Paul mean by judging those inside the church?

First and foremost there is only one true judge, Jesus Christ. He will judge the living and the dead (Acts 10:42, 2 Tim 4:1, 1 Pet 4:5). However Paul has a point we as the church are to hold one another accountable - out of brotherly love for the good of the church. But we cannot hold up the same measuring stick to those outside the church. They don't have Christ so how can they be expected to live like him. Our focus there should be sharing His love, not his judgment.

Judging within the church is also a very fine line. Eph 4 talks about speaking the truth in love in order to gain unity. But we also have to wait on God's timing and always approach others with humility.

God has really taught me this because I struggle with pride. I really have to be careful when looking at others. I have to not compare and I have to remember that all I am and have is what God has given me. I am no better than anyone else. And if I have grown in ways that others may not have yet, it is only because of what God has chosen to do in me. Not by my might, not by my power but by HIS SPIRIT! (Zec 4:6)

I have also learned that compassion is another key for me in not judging. Instead of looking down my nose at those who struggle, I'm learning to recognize and empathize with how difficult our struggles can be.

Again, Jesus is the one true judge, we are just his servants and need to be careful who and how we "judge".