This is just a glimpse of mental illness. Yup I said it. The nasty mean monkey on my back that follows me down every path I tread. He hides in the shadows weeks, months, even years at a time, but sooner or later he rears his ugly head and reminds me I'm not cured. I'm still a mess. And I still need Jesus.
I'm pretty controlling. I like things to be a certain way. But this is one thing I just cannot control. It is the perfect picture of my flesh, my sin nature, that my spirit wars against. I know what I should do but I don't do it. I can't stop myself from doing the things I don't want to do. I do things that I know will hurt me but I cannot stop myself from doing them.
Am I any better than the drug addict? Am I any better than the young, rash teenager? Am I any better than the broken hearted spouse? Or is it that I'm exactly the same, if not worse. It's just my weakness is hidden and managed by tools like medicine and behavioral therapies.
I think sometimes God breaks my tools for a little while to remind me of this lifelong weakness. To remind me that I'm not cured. To remind me that my monkey isn't going anywhere until I enter His presence for good.
The only fix for these broken tools is for me to remember the One who makes them work. For me to seek HIM. To lean into HIM. To feel the hurt, to cry the tears, and to remember HE knows.
He knows sorrow. He knows sadness. He knows the feeling of having no control. He knows frustration. He knows pain.
He knows because He loves me. He shed His glory to take this wretched form and become a man. He gave up control of the universe, His omnipresence, His omnipotence, to carry on as a man on this earth. Although He had the ability to call HIS angels down from heaven to war against His enemies, He set aside his ability to control all that and submitted to his Father's will.
Lord, I submit to your will. I know your love. I know that you have nothing but love stored up for me because all the wrath I deserve you poured out on your son. Because I know this, I can trust that you are doing a work in me to shape me more into the image of your son. And that this pain and this struggle does not go unseen by you. You have not abandoned me to fend for myself against this monkey. You just ask me to draw closer to you so you can put him back on his leash. I can see now the reality of where I would be without you and your leash on my monkey. When we are free we forget what it's like to be captive. This captivity can only be truly understood through first hand experience. Even the experienced forget. Lord, thank you for giving me eyes to see my monkey. Thank you for helping me to know how far drifting away will really take me. Thank you for showing me the bloodbath I leave in my wake when my monkey is not in your care. Lord, guide me. Quiet my heart. Tame my monkey.
You are my shepherd. I shall not want. You make me lie down in green pastures, you lead me beside still waters. You guide me in paths of righteousness for your name's sake. Even as I walk through this valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in YOUR house forever.
Amen
